Wednesday, January 30, 2008
hahahs. this post is specifically for SOMEBODY. (:my wish list. 1. pumps frm marina sq ($40)2. vintage tees frm marina sq (2 for $26)3. concealer 4. lingerieso far for now. ((:
- everything's just temporary;
11:10 PM
Monday, January 28, 2008
i've let it all go. and i'll miss you when you go. just think of us sometimes okay.don't forget the tears and laughter and everything we shared from a long time ago.
- everything's just temporary;
11:59 PM
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The very first time that I saw yur brown eyesYur lips said hello and I said hiI knew right then yu were the oneBut I was caught up in physical attractionBut to my satisfactionBaby yu were more than just a friendIf I said that I would be yur one and onlyPromise that yu'd never leave me lonelyI just want to be the one yu needI just want to be the one to serve yuSometimes I feel as if I don't deserve yuI cherish every moment that we shareAnd if yu ever fall in love againYu must be sure that the lady is a friendAnd if yu ever fall in love so trueYu must be sure that she feels the same way too
- everything's just temporary;
11:30 PM
Monday, January 21, 2008
today i did one of the most incredible thing ever. well, okay. at least for the past one year. anyways, I CLEANED UP MY ROOM. like woooo! hahas. figured i had to do it for CNY; and well, since tutorials have yet to start, guess it was a good time. anyways, i thought i did more than just the normal cleaning. i finally got rid of things -- of the past. of all the old diaries i used to write my deepest thoughts in. and surprisingly it was pretty easy to get rid of them. just a few flip of pages here and there to read up abit on the different stages of my life.. some stuffs were pretty embarrassing. hahahs. and the things i wrote last time were omg so darned weird. i think i was a weird kid, growing up.
- everything's just temporary;
11:17 PM
Saturday, January 19, 2008
i cry to make myself feel. i cry so i know at least my heart's still around. i cry so i'll still feel human and alive. but now. now i don't feel anything anymore.
- everything's just temporary;
2:50 AM
Thursday, January 17, 2008
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- everything's just temporary;
11:36 PM
when someone judges me unjustly, the world to me, comes to a complete stop. i feel like i cannot breathe. i feel the insanity of it all when the thoughts in my mind swirl like a hurricane, almost never-ending like. i look at the person and the person no longer feels like a person to me. its as if there's a huge piece of meat there and i just want to take a big chopping knife and smash it till its totally flat. the violent thoughts almost consume me fully and i feel the whole world's spinning in front of me. have you ever had that feeling when you are standing still and then everything around you moves. it turns and turns and you cant seem to walk anywhere because everything's spinning so far that its terrifying to even try to move.and then it was bossy. i think whoever called me that has no right to say that of me. lets put things this way. if you'd take more initiative, i wouldn't have to ask and tell you to do things. then you wouldn't think me as bossy. i do like guys who can dance. i do like them. i think them as refined creatures. and i do like to cook too. i would love to cook for the person i love with all my heart and soul. its just a pity you don't seem to know anything about me. and you leave me with one judgement too many. i am pained and hurt. because you're someone whom i feel is an important person to me. but then again, who am i to you; that you get to hurt with words time again. maybe just someone whom you feels treats you like shit? you look down upon dancing, you'd rather learn a sport. but don't you feel like you're living in your own small world? you don't even want to try. then you can never feel the fairytale dancing brings you to. everyone can dance. its a matter of whether they have the courage to or not.im seeking comfort, love and someone to give me the security i need when i cry. im thirsting for all that. just someone, come flood me with them all.p/s. i know yu'd do it if i allowed yu to. i know what yu'd do if i allowed yu to. i know yu know me inside out, outside in. i know yu're special. whisk me away to the dance floor and lead me on to one more dance. because yu know its right there and then when the magic begins and fades. yu don't read me. yu feel me. yu know me like no one else does. but after everything.. chances stop at one. i'd have begged yu not to go a long time ago. but now, yu should go. and be happy by yurself. i know yu can do it. and remember i'll still be here to share in yur happiness. but right now, if it makes it all come to an end, i'm still longing for that same comfort, yur comfort.
- everything's just temporary;
10:10 PM
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
it was eejin's birthday yesterday so we all took a trip down to his place to celebrate with him. it was a happy occasion. made friends, forged better bonds. and as usual, i learnt alot. tee really helped in my process. sometimes he asked about my experiences in corespondence to his 3 daughters. he's a really good father and a super thoughtful husband. with each of his questions, however, i unknowingly learn more about myself. i know more about my family as well. some things you refuse to acknowledge your whole life suddenly comes to you through a simple question and you start wondering why you wont acknowledge it. anyways, whatever it is, all these small gatherings really make a whole lot of difference in my life -- in their own small ways. its as if its God's way of coming through me with a whole new batch of people who are older than me, yet close to my age. like a guiding point, or a stepping stone to look toward the future. tee says im 'conservative' towards the relationship sector. i say i've grown up. i mean, everyone knows how wild it used to be. but i guess its just a phase many of us go through; most likely because everyone's just still trying to find their identity and placing in the world. till you get pretty much tired of it. then perhaps thats when you just wanna grow up.and i suppose i'm lucky. i'm lucky to have met that someone who was willing, still is, and i think and pray and hope will always be around to watch me grow up, grow up with me, and hate growing up altogether with. that someone who always gives me to opportunity to make mistakes and never make too much fuss about it yet always forgives me for them all. they say girls will tend to find guys who resemble their father. maybe thats why i find myself so attached to this person. because he's just like daddy. just that of course i still feel more secured with daddy around and thank God daddy's so damned open minded about everything. so i'm happy. i'm happy with these two people in my life which i constantly pray for and thank God for. they're so much blessings and so much love that He has given me. some stuff happened today which made me ponder alot. questioned my understanding of certain aspects. pulled all my doubts out of the box. and finally made everything so clear to me. it's like how it rains nonstop for the entire day and it goes on and on for hours till it finally, suddenly, stops. and it's a clear day already. as if no rain at all on a lovely sunny day. and life still goes on as it always does. and it's the people who stick by you no matter what. they're family. rciy is family. my own family at home is family. and then i realise anyone can be family as long as they accept you and love you wholeheartedly for who you are, forgive your flaws and stand by you no matter what, under any circumstances. that someone stuck by me -- all that research to understand everything and provide so much comfort for me showed it all. happiness was all that mattered and i know the effort. i'm showered with so much love that it has made my life so much more beautiful. and happy. i am happy. it isn't easy to feel happy. but i am happy. right now. thank you. for making me feel so beautiful and happy. and filling my life with hope and smiles.
- everything's just temporary;
12:08 AM
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
i'm glad i'm going back to rciy. i'm even more glad for alicia's wedding. and that one bbq we had at jessie's place. to me, those incidents were more than just what it seemed. it was like i had a calling to go back there. and would be okay. and fine. and that nothing would go wrong. nothing could go wrong.
so here i am typing happily or so i create a fantastic delusion to make me believe i'm happily typing here. here's some shout outs to certain people. been awhile since i've done it:
steph -- hey babes. it's anything for you. you know that. you're just like the little kid we love. and we always will.
ada -- hello you. it's great having you back. must update more often okay! hahahas. ((: all the best!
lucas -- you've been missed. i'm hoping to see you on friday. hahahs. it's gonna be a good session. even better with you around. grins.
gramps -- congratulations! come back with many pictures okay! ((((:
rod -- be good la you. don't stay up too late doing 'GIFTS' with the GIRL. hahhahs.
rciy -- hey guys. i've missed you guys. do come back often ok. rmb the great times we used to have. let's try to continue it. being a family's bout being close to one another. just once a week try to come over and hang out kays. love ya'll alot. really. thanks for being around during the ups and downs. it's been great.
- everything's just temporary;
8:11 PM
Monday, January 07, 2008
this time it's really painful.
- everything's just temporary;
1:43 AM
congratulations to alicia grandma and ah how grandpa. (: may you enjoy a lifelong duration of lovey doveyness. ((((: amazing wedding. thank you for invites! how do you know if the one you love is really the one? its so difficult is it not? or maybe it's so simple. maybe it's right in front of your eyes and you just have no idea because you always think of love to be so complicated when it actually is so simple.or maybe i just don't want to put in anything more than what i'm putting in.he makes me cry. but when i cry, i don't hurt. i don't even know why i cry. i've packed up and i'm ready to leave. tag me so i can start running away. round and round and round. just like how the carousal spins. and this time i don't want to fucking stop.
- everything's just temporary;
12:50 AM
Saturday, January 05, 2008
whats your take on standing in front of everyone and telling the entire world you're in love with this guy or girl you love. embarrassed? shy off? happy? when i got asked back, i said i'd do it willingly. now when i think about it, i'm not sure. i'm not sure about what i'm not sure about. is it because i don't know if i love the person enough? when's enough, enough? or is it because i'm really shy about the whole world knowing about me and my love? but if i really love someone, i'd really want the entire world to know i love that person right? because i want to show off that person to the entire world. and because i want everyone to know how blessed and happy i feel right? should it be that case? or maybe i just don't understand. if you hold someone's hand as you sleep, and as you share your hopes and dreams with a someone, or if you kiss someone with so much love and passion, or if you proclaim to the entire world that he or she is your girl or boyfriend and someone who is potentially the love of your life, the one you will spend your life with, grow old in sickness and health, how exactly can you be embarrassed? maybe it's disappointing hearing such statements from different people. embarrassed because one isn't the kind of person to do it? but love changes everything. love makes you do the impossible. love makes you blind. love makes you do so much than you imagined you could. love gives you the strength to be much more than you are, love makes you be the best person you could be. so how can anyone be ashamed of love? how can anyone be embarrassed of love? it's hurting to know that people aren't ready to announce out loud and in joy that they have found love with each other. it is so hard itself to find someone to love from the bottom of your heart, someone you want to simply be with all the time. and when they find each other, they refuse to acknowledge or shout out or celebrate at all? it feels so sad. it makes me feel so sad. it makes me question the simple meaning of love. it makes me double up my thoughts which i held so strongly, or used to. and if that's the case, why is it i'm not sure if i'm willing to do such a simple thing? why do i still have some sort of hesitation? because i know the other person won't do it? or because i may not be really so deeply in love with the person? or because i just don't think it's necessary to show off to everyone else? or is it because i know that though i love that person, i will never be with that person? or is it because i don't even know if what we have is love. ps. brother mike, you've been thoroughly missed. i'm glad to see you again. (:
- everything's just temporary;
12:51 AM
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
have you ever had someone give up hope on you? have you ever had someone compare you to other people? have you ever had someone call you a jinx and made you believe it your whole life? have you ever felt so alone in this world? you will never understand how i feel. i don't think you ever can. i told someone before you taught me how to be happy. but then happiness is short-lived. and the times without happiness are very long. if that's the case then i think if i never knew the meaning of happiness, my life would be so much more peaceful. it was to be sleep over tomorrow. it was to be a good new year filled with smiles and love. it was to be. i think the reason why i never really fully understood how one can be filled with so much positive feelings, is because i never believed they could really exist. and when i felt that i was in bliss, the moments were far too short to capture. in contrast, i remember every bit of how my heart was stung and every point of time. i know now i will and can never fully trust someone. and as i realise, i can't even trust me. what should have been could never have been. i told steph yesterday he makes me happy; i'm really happy when im with him. steph, it was an unknown lie. i never really understood the meaning of happy. i remember every word that was said to me, and i remember that every word was meant. i admit defeat with shame. because i fought so hard to prove myself, prove my worth, to be where i am today. but the words that were said still haunt me every single day. i don't hate anymore, but i don't love too. so when you said you loved me 3 hours ago. did it ever occur to you that you were lying? that was why my heart cried with pain. because as much as i wanted it to be true, as much as i had done all i could for so many years, you would never love me. like it was said long time ago -- i'm a jinx, the bad luck baby.
- everything's just temporary;
2:53 AM
